| Monday, September 26th, 2005 |
| 1:17 pm |
A Childless Mother
So wow what a great day I have had. I went to the gyn this morning to get some more birth control pills! I need to prevent what would possible be the biggest mistake of my life. Michael doesn't want any more kids. And just like everyone that have ever known me will tell you, Chelsea Don't want children. And I still don't, i guess. Do you feel the unsureness in my tone. Ahhh you shouldn't because I am sure. I just had been thinking a lot about maybe later in life being able to have my own. I thin what has brought this out is me hanging out with his kids. I guess it has gotten to my woman/motherly instincts. But Michael is right he has been thro all of this twice and why would he want to do it agian. He has went thro this twice with Gracie. More power to him. I repect his opinion and his wishes. So this is great, my parents will never be able to enjoy my children. I will never know what it feels like to carry a child for 9 months, i will never be able to go thro that pain of the birth. I guess after losing one and then living with them you get to thinking hmmm maybe this would be nice. But its all good. I am perfectly happy where I am at in my life. So yea that is the only new thing in my life! And it really isnt even good..... I love you all! I'm done..and more and more in my life I feel like Julie....I wish I would have treated her better when I want younger cause I am in the same position that she was in. I respect her more now cause the feelings I have been feeling for the past few days i know she went thro it too. Well she won! I lost! Its all good! I love Gabey and Hayden and Michael..... Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Thrice |
| Sunday, September 25th, 2005 |
| 9:52 am |
I miss the romance
I miss Romance!! I miss the flowers, I miss the little notes everywhere, I miss the little things!! But..... I would not change my relationship with the man I am living with for anything. He has completely won my heart and he has my soul. This is just the first relationship where I havn't got anything out of it material....because you want to know why I wont let him...I dont think he should have to it doesnt matter to me....yeah it is nice but I dont need it! I just miss it at times i guess. Its only because I am a girl. I would be lieing to you if I told you i didnt want it! So gabe wasn't feeling well last night! I went in there and slept with him. It was cute, his leg hurt and he wanted water all the time. I rubbed his little legs gave him a glass of water and cuddled with the little kid for awhile. Michael didn't even wake up! :P When I went have into our bedroom there Michael was spread out for corner to corner on our bed...It was so cute! I didn't want to wake him so I grabbed my pillow and a blanket and I slept on the floor for a while till he got up and was like, "WHY are you on the floor!!!" So then I curled up with him in bed! I love it.. I don't know how many times a person could say it but, THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO BE!! This is my life now and it would physically and emotionally die if i lose any of these boys out of my life..they have my heart strings and they pull at them every second of everyday. |
| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 |
| 11:40 am |
Certainty Kills our Soul
This week end had its ups and its downs but over all it was pretty enjoyable and wouldnt have changed any of it! Friday was my loverly Rani Chan's 18th birthday and she so a vertical lip piercing and omfg it looks awesome and I am sooo jealous of her! Butttt Mike doesnt like lip rings and my parents would probably kill me so I am resisting! On the way back from Gayles in yellow springs I went EAST on I-70 hmmmmm yes East I was susposed to be going WESTTTT!! So yea I want a whole half hour almost 45 mins in the wrong fucking direction and its not like gas is almost 4 buck or anything!! Yea I can afford to waste gas!! Anyway I had to like get off the phone witk Michael I was soooo freakin pissed!! But That is over... after that we went and picked his sister up at a McDonalds, which is a lot better then having to drive 3 hours....we only have to drive about an hour!! It was fun! We ate in the McDonalds and Hayden at a french fry off the floor...mmmmm I bet that was tasty! Well we came back home from dropping off Rachel at there moms house and we came back to the house her put the boys to bed and you know what we like passed out!! I looked at the clock and it was 8:35pm and he was holding me and we seriously like fell asleep right then and there It was soooooo cute!! It was nice for the both of us we were like dead tired! We slept off and on the whole night till the next morning when Gabey came in! Michael had this "feeling" that I should go home that I shouldn't be at his house right then! At the time when he was pushing me out the door you know I was mad because there has never been a time when I have spent the night there that I have been able to stay like passed 9 o'clock in the morning! I feel like a whore leaving....come in....get off....get out!! But I am soooo greatful that he was sbeing like that, that morning because I went home and was chillen there when I got this phone call from my mom.."WhERE THE FUCK IS RANI! SHE IS SUSPOSED TO BE AT WORK" hmmmm well Last time I talked to her she was on her way to work! I had to play it off to my mom..she believed me!! WOOOO But if I would have been at Michaels the I would have gotten caught and my ass would have been grass and she would have smoked it! Sooo yeah I should listen to Mike and his "feelings" more often! I worked most of the day saturday and it was ok actually not to bad! Michael told me hmmm yeah so something came up and i cant comeover tongiht....cause he was going to come chill at my house.... his story was so believeable!! I got like soo pissy and was being mean to Patty! But then around closing time I heard someone open the door I was dreading to see whom I was cause honeslty I didnt feel like waiting any more people and there he was!!! I was like damn!! It suprised the shit out of me!! I loved it! He came and chilled at my house it was nice we couldn't mess around or anything which actually wasnt that bad because you know what...its not like that! Yes we have a strong sexual attraction but that is not all we have...we have a very strong emotional bond and boy if we arnt tired of eachother yet then i dont think we can get tired of each other we talk roughly 19-20 hours every single day and always find something to talk about! My cat Bootsie has died! I miss her like a lot!! I don't know why I have such a strong emotional bond to her!! Right around when my mom left me I got bootsie and she was my baby! A goddamn coyotee got her julie said! I kind of feel werid that I dont have to go to wal mart on mondays and get one box of kitten litter, one bag of food, 7 cans of food, cat nip and some treats!! That was my routine!! I was talking to Michael about "us" getting a cat...hmmmm...I am over there everyday and I would love to take care of it!! Meaning "us" would prolly be him, me, and his boys!! I think it would be cool! But if not I will wait and get a cat later in life! We spent seriously the WHOLE day on monday together! From 8-12!! And there wasnt a minute within all those hours that I wanted to leave!! I wish I lived there with him!! That would be cool but maybe some day that will be an option I dont know we will see!! Me him and the boys went to the park and it was sooooo much fun!! I hadnt been to a park for a while well with kids atleast! I was swinging on a swing sooo high and I was looking around at everything Mike helping hayden and gabey next to me on a swing...cleared all the thoughts out of my head and i just thought this is where i want to be! This is where I want to stay this is how I want my life to be! This is what makes me happy and completes my empty whole! I have never felt this complete or this real in my whole entire life! That is my weekend in a big ol' nut shell I better finish getting ready he wants me to bring him ciggs and I need to be getting to fucking english class!! DAMN I HATE ENGLISHHH.....bye kids I love you!! Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: Jamison Parker |
| Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 |
| 4:52 pm |
It will always be like the first....but Kiss me like it's the last!
Soooo what a week it has been since I have been on here! I started college and boy o boy is it fucking boring or what!! My classes blow big balls....but maybe once I actually get started in them and we start doing shit it will be fun! Who knows! I just need to talk a deep breath and feel the air leave my lungs...here do it with me....breath in...breath out...now how better do you feel? Hmmm I know I feel a lot better...breathing helps me relieve stress! I a sitting in Michael Van Notes house right now legs proped up on the bed and my ass is sitting in the chair! I feel sick to my stomach a little..it's either the left over chinese I ate or the fact that I am nervous about some one comeing to the door cause honeslty I don't know what I would do! Probably answer it!! Soooo he hasnt seen his kids since saturday!!! I was at his house and he was going to take gabe to Gracie's fathers and well she freaked out and came and got them later that night while i was there!!! So I finally got to see her...not under the terms I would have liked but some people just cant grow the fuck up! She was saying that he was never going to see his kids agian and all that jazz! And he hasnt seen them since cause she is keeping them!! How he can do that I have not idea... i kind of miss them... :( I would be a lier if i didn't say that I thought about walking away from this relationship just for the simple fact he does not deserve to go thro this bullshit at all!! He is the most perfect man that I have ever met in my entire life and you know what he is too good for me...seriously!!!!! To goddamn perfect!! She probably is now starting to realize what she is missing! I just seriously worry about the whole going to court thing becuase you know what no matter what anyone says they always favor the mother over the father! And with his financial situation and with him dating a 18 year old female....kind of makes him look kind of bad! I know eventually I might be brought into this and I say I am ready for it cause I have money behind me and if she wants to bring me into this I hope she is prepared!! Not that this is my problem and I am not saying that I will be brought in to this but if i am in ANY way I will bring the army and it will fall! I feel extremely bad because if it wasnt for me this prolly would have never happened!! She is just upset because he is moving on and she probably still likes him and is hurt cause he left! But I just dont understand why we all can not be adults here and all get along!! WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WANT FROM MEEEEE!!!! That is all I want to know!! Cause then I would know my boundaries.... its not like I am a new mother to her children... I have NEVERRRR tried to be that if anything I am simply trying to be there friend! Yeah I like to help out with them and everything but hey I am a women you know... I have boobs and vagina and all the horomones that go along with them!! But if i walked away from this relationship I think it seriously would kill me emotional and physically! It probably would be the biggest mistake ever!! So I cant do that! All I can do is pled to Michael and tell him how sorry I am for all of this and that if I knew he would have to be going throght all this i would have never talked to him cause he really doesnt deserve to be going throught this hell!! But I am behind him 100%!! Get your kids back Michael...please!! I think I need to go to the coffee shop and just chill for a couple of hours and do nothing get everything out of my head and think about what I have done! I have helped separate two beautiful children from there father!! Boy if that doesnt make you feel like shit i dont know what else would!! Kiss me like it will be the last time cause it very well may be!! Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Copeland |
| Saturday, August 27th, 2005 |
| 3:51 pm |
I went 2 days with out seeing Michael....It was like the longest two days of my life....I didn't get to touch him for TWO days!! I closed Subway up like shit on Thursday cause we were sooo busy but I got to work with my beautiful wonderful friend Rani!! I loved it I love working with her!! Kelli ( a lady that I work with) came in and I had my computer in the back and I was listening to some music and all that jazz but she called my mom and told her that I had it in the back...so I pretty much almost lost my job!! Which kind of makes me sad becuase then that way my schedule would be all fucked up and I would never get to work with Rain...which i dont get to do much now but every once in awhile!! Soooooo friday was a very longgggg morning!! For one thing I was late which isnt the best thing ever to be when we get the delivery on fridays....but anyway i was late and i spilled coffee beans allllllll over the fucking floor and I spilled a whole bag of marinara all over and it was fun to clean up let me tell you what!! But then about 8:04 Michael came over and I got to be shitty with him...lol...I wasnt in the best of moods but her cheered me up a tad! We were pretty busy at the good ol' subway! I was susposed to leave at 1:30 I didn't get out of there till hmmm like 2:45!!! Sooooo then I went to Mikes and I took a very needed shower I bet I smelt like shit or subway! :) OMG It is saturday!! I start classes on Monday....I officially will be a college Freshman...boy am I excitied! Saturday Michael took me out to Olive Garden...it was so nice...on the way out he opened the car door for me!! I loved It!! It was really sweet everything so we drove to the mall...walked around a bit we went to Hottopic....the best store ever!! I bought myself a freaking awesome back pack and they had a sale buy one band tee get one half off!! How could I resist!! So I bought myself a Postal Service shirt and a My Chemical Romance shirt! I love them both Michael gave me money for them but what he doesnt know is that I am going to leave it in some random place so he finds it later around!! Won't that be fun... Some of his high school friends came over that was pretty fun!! They were really nice to me...and really pretty girls hmmmmm... but anyway...He is tickling the crap out of Hayden right now and we are actually having a serious conversation!!! Soo I am going to leave this with I love you!! This is as reall as it gets!! |
| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 |
| 2:09 pm |
This is Love
im sorry if i hurt you im sorry i cant change. all i can do is show the truth which makes things just remain. you are just so amazing you're the beating of my heart. the love i feel makes me crazy every day im right back at the start. the way you make me feel inside has shown the worlds in different perspectives. each waking moment that you arent here i die because i'm empty as i never expected. i hope my feelings shine through, as ive been so lonely, yet so true. you've touched my soul so deep within there is nothing more i love than you. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Gym Class Heros |
| Saturday, August 20th, 2005 |
| 9:14 am |
Red Eyes look in my soul
I woke up this morning so utterly mistaken and confused….I had a feeling of “where the fuck am I” Why I had this feeling I don’t know but damn I didn’t want to go to work but here I am trying to get this store up the shape and ready to wait on the hungry mouths of Preble county as all there cars are out there in the parking lot and they are simply waiting on me to flip on the Open sign so they can herd in and get a 12 meatball with everything! What happened to mothers cooking lunch at a certain time every day?? What happened to Americans, why are we so lazy that everyone resorts to some type of fast food? I am as guilty as the next fat person…. I have a lot weighting on my mind this morning and I shouldn’t at all…! Last night was sooooo great! Michael and I went the Steak ‘N Shake and grease ball waited on us it was really nice. Then we went to Wal-Mart so he could get some deodorant can he has a smell fetish…bad smells turn him off! But…. (Have you always noticed after a “But” there is rarely anything every good..or if it is good it is normally a lie to make there previous statement sound better…well anyway) But at Steak ‘N Shake Michaels phone rang it is that familiar ring that I have heard too many times to count but yet still every time I hear it I get that song stuck in my head! I don’t know the singer to the song but “I don’t want you back” is like the main lyric. She called him to ask him what my last name was because some one called her phone asking for “Chelsea” ummmm that is my name yeah but why some one was calling her phone asking for me….how they hell are we supposed to know??? Why would he do that? Why would I do that? But she is the mother of his children I HAVE to respect her… I am not going to be immature and disrespectful to her if she does get in my face or want to talk to me! I will not stoop to her level cause (please don’t get mad) but she is NOT worth my time! Sorry! But his tone is so misleading when he talks to her, he is so calm and understanding and I she sounds very enjoyable……. Eventually I will get over it, it just takes time! I am a very jealous person as is and when you bring in a woman that is decent looking and well he knows he can sleep with obviously because he has two kiddies, but with me and him I would like to think it is more then that! It feels like more then that… I just had to sudden erg to throw up for some unknown reason! But my biggest fears in our relationship is that I am going to get SOOOOO attached to him (which has all ready happened) and he is going to leave me for some one else cause well he left her (I will never say her name on here in respect to her so don’t ask me for it) and that would actually absolutely fucking crush my heart like to little tiny pieces…. Tho I keep my head up in everything…I am in love with this man and until he leaves me it will not change or wander cause I have found everything that I have ever wanted in a man in him…why would I want to fuck that up? (Michael please do not get scared off by this if you end but being able to read this) I was laying next to Michael last night and I was just looking at him… I can see myself like growing old with him…..like staying with him… I am an 18 year old girl and I say this with all honesty and I have thought about it….this is true!! |
| Thursday, August 18th, 2005 |
| 3:13 pm |
My life to a few steps forward when I thought I went backwards!!!
I talked to Chris today….first time in like 2 weeks! I truly miss this kid like hard core! He had been a good friend of mine for like a year! He moved in the EKU today…it was sooooo sad talking to him knowing good and well that I should be moving in today!!! Today would have been the day that I would have been giving a wholllllleeee lot of freedom!! But I chose the safe route and I am staying home….I have been asked from Michael and my mom if I regret not going away to school…..honestly yes a little! I had planned for EKU for like a year!! I was soooo excited to get out of my parents house and be able to do whatever the hell I want! And I know what all of you think…all of you think I is only cause of Michael that is not true. I will not lie to you yes he is one of the reasons that I am staying up here but not the only reason…I have my guilty pleasure Rani…. I love that girl like to death…I was afraid I would have lost her!! Also with my driving record and how expensive insurance is my financial status is going to be better up here cause I have a steady job that is flexible and willing to work with me!! Everything will work out I know it will…. I have seriously never been so happy in my entire life!! I wake up in the morning now a days and I am happy about it!! I just want to get the day fucking started cause then its closer to the time I get to see Michael…that sounds very cliché and weird but I can’t think of any other way to put it!! I love him! There is something about him that keeps me here…he is absolutely perfect in every single way…he is soooo good looking….respectful to me…..honest (or so I hope so)…..loving…..he shows he cares about me all the time ( which I love having reassurance) …his kids are the cutest little monsters I have ever seen and I love them too…Yeah we have our problems in our lives but I know I am willing to work thro them and I am pretty sure he is willing to work thro them!! I don’t know but my life is going so great right now….I honestly can say….I AM HAPPY!! First time in a really long time!! This is as real as it gets….this is as real as I can be!! It just feels sooooooooooooooo right!! I just really hope I’m not wrong about this! To love is something I never thought I could do!!! Current Mood: lovedCurrent Music: Alkaline Trio |
| Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 |
| 3:27 pm |
Moments to shine...and remember
I was kissed last night by a little 2 year old boy named Hayden and it probably was the cutest thing that has ever happened to me!! I was talking to Michael last night and I decided to go over to his house cause I'm practically in love with him....I told the parental units that I was going to go to the movies with Rani shhhhhh.... what they don't know won't hurt them! So I spent the night there! But Hayden said my name...he said my name....wow how cute is that but how fuckin scary is that!!!! Michaels kids scare the shit out of me and the fact that he is still involved with there mother (which i know is expected) kind of scares me because he left her!! So is she has any type of intelligence she will want him back because he is probably the sweetest guy i have ever met in my entire life! But last night he was out of cigarettes and gum I knew he wanted cigs but he didnt want me to leave and go get them! But I did it anyway cause you know what he does enough for me i should atleast do something for him...but i got back and he called me an asshole!! I guess he was joking he just didnt want me to do that for him.... but he is worth it!!! So the night was pretty eventful for me atleast...I don't know what is wrong with me... But when anything else happens I will update you all....much love :) Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: Fall out Boy |
| Saturday, August 6th, 2005 |
| 8:02 pm |
Scared about that Road Ahead
So yeah it has been while since I have updated this and well my life had been turned upside down and wow its actually ok with me!! So right now I am sitting on this couch facing a man holding his 2 year old child Hayden.. and for some reason I am in love with this man! I was always the girl that would be like yeah no love for me I don't believe in it and I dont think that it is real..well he has changed my view on all of this! I actually love him and I don't know why!!! He has two kids you would think that I was crazy I think that I am pretty crazy my self and I realy honestly think I am setting myself up for hurt! His and and him are pretty close still because well it has only been like 4 months since they were together and that is well kind of weird...my question would be am I just a rebound?? We'll see! But other then new love in my life I killed my car the other day....absolutly killed it!! I now own a 98 Tibourn..its ok but it is nothing like my mustang and i miss my mustang greatly...i was seriously in love with that car!!! Let me tell you what I miss is like really bad! Also I kind of miss Ranibee I have been busy with Van Note and she has been bust with her people and well I am neglected our friendship and I miss her greatly....... but that is all i have for tonight because well my computer is being attacked my a 2 year old....love you all!! Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Hawthorn Heights |
| Saturday, July 16th, 2005 |
| 12:15 am |
Relations
So I pretty much have feelings for a person I can't have and thats ok with me! Ummm Why do I fall for people that don't have feelings for me? Not just with him but with EVERYONE I have ever felt the slights thing for and weridly enough I have kept every single one of them friends with me...It would absolutly kill me to lose any of them... I love them to much! So I am pretty much really gettign used to this whole alone thing...it's great!! Please read that sarcastily because it was...it's not great but I am living with it! it will be 2 years this month since I had a "serious" relationship, the ones I have had since then were really just "play" relationships to get me by! I need to become a lesbian or something cause then maybe someone would show me a little attention or a little love...cause thats all I want! I'm just a little down tonight I guess.... anyways...... Current Mood: crushed |
| Friday, July 15th, 2005 |
| 2:42 pm |
A Vertical Expression for a Horizontal Desire
SOOO I am pretty much so so very pissed about David not being able to do my tattoo yesterday!!!! He better like do mine for like free cause I had to call of work and everything for to be able to go and now I have to do it all over agian so I am losing money to spend money...That just doesnt make sense! So The Academy Is concert was probably the worst thing ever...I wasnt to impressed at all!! But i likes the people that i was with so they made it better but i about killed them on the way there!! LOL that was the best thing ever...I thought i was going to be able to be in the mood to write in here but i am not sorry kids i will update this more later!! |
| Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 |
| 10:47 am |
Ohio is for Lovers
I live by this song!!!! I love it!!! Hey there, I know it‘s hard to feel, like I don‘t care at all. Where you are and how you feel, with these lights off as these wheels keep rolling on and on (and on and on and on) Slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much. How are you when I‘m gone. And I can‘t make it on MY OWN)! (and I can't make it on my own) because my heart is in Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! (CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can fall asleep tonight, or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. You know you do you kill me well. You like it too and I can tell . You‘ll never stop until, my final breath is gone. Spare me just three last words. I love you is all she heard. I‘ll wait for you, but I can‘t wait forever. Spare me just THREE LAST WORDS. I love you is all she heard. I'LL WAIT FOR YOU, BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOREVER! And I can‘t make it on MY OWN)! (and I can't make it on my own) because my heart is in Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! (CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can fall asleep tonight, or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. You know you do you kill me well. You like it too and I can tell . You‘ll never stop until, my final breath is gone. (YOU) know you do (KILL) you kill me well, You like it too, and I can tell. You‘ll (ME) never stop until, my final (WELL) breath is gone. So cut (YOU) my wrists and black my eyes. (KILL) My final breath is gone . So i can (ME) fall asleep tonight. (WELL) And I can‘t make it on MY OWN)! (and I can't make it on my own) because my heart is in Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! (CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can fall asleep tonight, or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. You know you do you kill me well. You like it too, and I can tell. You‘ll never stop until, my final breath is gone. (YOU) know you do (KILL) you kill me well, You like it too, and I can tell. You‘ll (ME) never stop until, my final (WELL) breath is gone. (YOU) know you do (KILL) you kill me well, You like it too, and I can tell. You‘ll (ME) never stop until, my final (WELL) breath is gone. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Hawthorne Heights |
| 10:27 am |
Only a Girl
So it has been while since I have updated my journal on the new things in my life! Well Monday actually was a really great day.... Me and Chris went to EKU and well it was a good day...I went there to meet this guy Gary at the Naked Man at EKU but well we missed each other and how the hell we did that I dont know!! But on the way back from EKU we ended up getting in the deep conversation about the weather and we ended up passing our exit that we needed to take and we ended up like 100 miles off course...we almost ended up in Missouri!! Wow it was fun though because it took forever to get home and to spend time with Chris was nice we hadn't hung out in forever!! Anyways so there is this guy that I have been talking to and wow I really like him and the werid thing is i don't know why I like him???? When I find out more on this i will update you all, and the thing is i only know him from seeing him everyday...hmmmm i don't know! The Academy Is...concert is today and I am so fucking excited! Me and Rain are going and I am completely like excited!! My life is really boring other then the shows I go to!! Russell (a guy that I worked with at Iam's) well is meeting me for lunch today and I am really kind of excited cause well I havv't talked to this man in like forever!! I have nothing else to say cause well I am a boring person!!! Current Mood: nostalgicCurrent Music: Hawthorne Heights |
| Thursday, June 30th, 2005 |
| 11:13 am |
This is as Real as it Gets, This is as Real as I can be.....
Today was a day where not much happened...I woke up late and you know what it was great!! I went to get my check and cash it and well my mom pretty much took the whole check for insurance money and I made a car payment!! So I don't have any money for the two week and fucking Lori won't pay me back for the $100 that I loaned her!! But I went to hang out with Rani and she had her interview at Steak n' Shake and I hope she gets the job so she can get some money and her mom can get off of her butt..... But we went to Panama Red's and David (the guy that does my tattoo's) was there and I showed him the new tattoo that I want and well it is going to be $220 and I am going to have to save up some money for that I think I am going to get some more books together and take them to Half Price Books and see how much more money I can get.. But anyway there is just something about that David guy everytime I go there something happens and something is triggered in my head that makes me kind of well like him and I don't know what it is???? Just like I feel weird when I leave...like i shouldn't be leaving or something..I dont know how to deal with this feeling!! I guess I am just sick and tired of being alone, and I just accept any attention from a man everytime I get it which is so rare!! I don't know! My life is so weird I guess!! |
| Tuesday, June 28th, 2005 |
| 12:06 pm |
The Consequences Of Learning How...
Heartbeats that race, but feet that drag. Your parents split up and I'm left here to feel sorry for you. I'm just not sure if this is how it's supposed to be with me on your bed, and your eyes glued to the TV. I'm just not sure if I fit into this film strip of yesterdays and this is as real as it gets. This is as real as I can be and it just feels right floating around your room. It just feels right touching your hair. It just feels right to hold onto what we felt before. But I'm apathetic with a capitol "A". And I'm fading into this old chair. There just isn't enough magic to turn this one around. I can't play the role of concerned anymore. She says, "This life is for the birds." But heavens no, don't go away tonight. 'Cause this isn't about what's on the TV set. It's about how you've handled yourself and how it isn't working anymore. It's ten seconds until it gets quiet. It's old and it's far fetched to say that spring is around the corner. And if this is how it ends, I'm already dead Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: The Lyndsay Diaries |
| 10:59 am |
It has been forever since I have been able to actually chill myself down enough to be able to write this down....I am so hurt by my ex-best friend that you know what today was the first time that I have cried because this night will be the last night that I will ever see or talk to her agian....I had to work with her tonight at subway and this is the last night for her and me to work together because her last day is thursday because she quit her job!! Yeah ok she is not going to EKU and you know that is ok...yeah i got pissed but honeslty i was more hurt and upset more then anything! She has been my best friend for like 2 years now and you know what I wanted to kill her like 3 days ago....today we talked about everything she told me that she was mad that i have been hanging out so much with Chris and Rani and I said Fuck you...those two people are my friends and you know what I can fucking hang out with if i god damn feel like it...you dont control me!!!! Also I told her tonight that I didnt want to talk to he agian after work and you know what we started doing we started thinking about all the things that we did together like the stealing things from walmart, running for the cops, working at subway, throwing cups of water at people cars, watching rocky horror picture show, getting drunk, all the fun times that we had we talked about and you know what I started to cry because I will miss her, I love her to death and you know what I am crying now because she was my friend and I will never see her agian and I was talking to Rani about it any I didnt think that I was going to be geby tting up set about this but to be honest about it I am I miss her already and it has only been like a couple of hours!! I don't know what to do........ SO anyway my life has been hard in the past two years and that chick has been with me andwent through all this shit too, she was there when my mom died, she was there when my grandpa died, she was there when my grandma was sick and she was there when i was sick, she was there when i was being harrased by troy, she was there everytime i wrecked my car, she was there for every fight with my parents, she was there when i got aocohol poisining, she was ALWAYS there for me and I am letting her down.......Why does life have to be so hard and have to be so confusing??? I just dont understand!!! My life has never been easy everything seems to happen to me and I wich something would just go right in my life............ But on the lighter side of my life my dearest friend Rani Johnson is there for me and I absolutly love her to death because she is pretty much my twin and you know what scares me to death is that in like two months I am going to lose her friendship as well because you know what I thinking is going to happen is that I am going to go down to EKU and I am going to talk to her like everyonce in a while and you know she is going to go her way and i am going to try to go mine....she will just like Tesina find some other person to take my place because I will pretty much be like 3 hours away and well I'll get anoying to her or something who knows...I just which I wouldnt have been so fucking eager to get away from my parents...Why did I have to go to a college so far away?????? I regret it now I don't want to go now there are so many people up here that I love so much that I dont want to leave but I have no choice I have to go.....I just don't know what to do anymore i am so confused about everything..... Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: The Tops of the Tree's are on Fire |
| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005 |
| 8:14 pm |
I hate This
Soooo Today started out really kind of bad actually..... I really didn't sleep much so I woke up in a bad mood and the n this person started talking to me on the internet and to my surprise it was Tesina's mom. Wow she was saying so much shit to me!! Why should I give a crap what she thinks about me...All i know is that she and her husband are making excused for why Tes should not go down to EKU so you know what I told he today I told her that i hoped tes doesnt go down there at all cause then i would still have to be in contact with her.. anyways she that pissed her mom off and then tesinas called and was really shitty with me so i said fuck you and I would never want to talk her agian and well her mom made me these blankets for our room and I took them to subway and told tes to pick her shit up there... I am so mad..why my friends always have to kind of leave me after a while this always happens...always I wish I could just find a friend that would just be my friend and staying my fucking friend for like more then a year...cause you know what i am sick and tired of just having a close friend and then on bad thing happens and all hell breaks loose and we are not friends anymore!! OMG that gets on my nevers so much... I don't know...anyway on a lighter note about my life I dyed my hair black tonight I don't know if I like it or not....I know my parents hate it they made that very obvious because when i walked through the door they like ripped my head off..SAying that i was a fuck up and a piece of shit..I told the it is HAIR that is it I can redye it its not like i get fuck up tattooed on my fucking for head. I would just love for my parents to pretty much die off and leave my sister cause i would go to college up here and take all my parents money pretty much. I know that sounds very heartless but I don't think anyone understands that I truely do hate my parents....Ever since i found out that I had a real mom and you know i had to live with her drug habit and then she commited suicide, I have hated Steve and Julie Chrismer ever since and have wanted them to die, I have even had plots before of killing them but in the end knowing my luck i would get caught and go to jail and that would ruin my plan. I don't know I think this summer is going to be life changing for everyone!! |
| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005 |
| 12:26 am |
The Time of My life
Sooooo today pretty much sucked I found out that my friend Tesina ( which I am susposed to be rooming with at EKU) just might not be going there because her parents can not afford it!! OMG I have never been so mad in my life we have been planning this forever and she is just going to back out and stay up here... there are loans and things that she will be able to get to pay for her college. I honeslty just think that she just doesnt want to go down there and she is using that as a reason to cover up the truth. But you know I have been having my doubts about going down there too but I am still going down there cause I know that it will be good for me! Yeah well work was actually pretty nice. not to busy but not to slow.. My best friend in the world Rain stopped but and got some good food. I got to talk to her and we dyed her hair black the night before I love it!!!! We are going to put some pink highlights in it and then it will be the shit!! Thats about it for tonight kids.. i have to work out tomorrow..lol need some sleep |
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